Marg: Batman & Robin (Naturally!)

Based on the absolute thrill of seeing Batman Forever for the first time, I could not delay in seeing the epic Batman & Robin. It did not disappoint - you know, except as a film.

So... it really is as bad as everyone always said it was. Did you watch the trailer? The movie is just... more of that! The terrible acting? Bingo! The bizarre sets? You betcha! The horrible even for 1997 special effects? Yes sir! The crotch shots? You just wait! 

It doesn't even have as good a poster has Batman Forever.

Joel Schumacher pointedly, directly, obviously intended for there to be an undercurrent of sexual tension between Robin and Batman - or rather, not even sexual tension as in the first of his films in the franchise, but actually a realized relationship between the pair who bicker like a married couple throughout the movie, but who love each other still. This is not a criticism, I wish that it could have been more than implication - if Batman has a Robin, and that Robin is a young attractive guy who lives with him, and they like to share secrets and wear matching outfits and serve their community - well, it isn't wrong to want to see them as being in a more-than-friends relationship. They sound like a couple to me, and it's pretty naive to assume that they aren't. But Schumacher, even though he clearly interpreted that relationship the same way I do, he wasn't allowed to say Batman and Robin have been dating since about 3 days after the last movie ended. So instead, he acted out by putting in even more crotch, nipple, and butt shots than last time! 

This video repeats pointlessly, but the first two shots are legit.

George Clooney took over from doughy Val Kilmer, finally giving Batman the jawline he deserves. But whoa, what a terrible job he does in the movie! This is a future Oscar winner, but he doesn't even change his voice to sound more Batmanish! Listen, he's third here in the "I'm Batman" supercut - He's not even trying!

   

Clooney seemed to adopt some of Kilmer's wardrobe from the previous film, even sporting an oversized turtleneck as Bruce Wayne.

Just going for a stroll with Val's turleneck.

Chris O'Donnell returns as Robin, and he's still young and cool... But you know, he was 27 when this thing came out. I'm not 27 yet and I am certainly no longer young and cool. I wouldn't be even if I did say things like cowabunga!

There is someone undoubtedly younger AND cooler on the scene in Batman and Robin though - it's Alicia Silverstone in the movie that demolished her career! She plays Alfred's niece, who according to the deleted scene "Alfred's Lost Love" isn't his niece at all, but his ex-girlfriend's daughter. His ex-girlfriend shown as a photo of the old lady from Titanic, so somehow Cher Horowitz's mother is a 90 year old woman. Alfred's "niece" is also Batgirl, for some reason? And as I said she is younger (but who knows how young, because she goes to "Oxbridge" but dresses like a schoolgirl) and also cooler, because in one too-long scene she street races, as you do.

Also, her "uncle" made her this costume.

It is also crucial to note, that because Batgirl is a teenager(?) in 1997, she is a master hacker. That's why when she had to hack into a password protected laser disc (1997!) of Alfred's, her first password choice is "Alfred". Later, she and Robin have a hacking race to reroute some satellites - it's all very Angelina Jolie and Sick Boy.

The villains in Batman & Robin are some of the worst I have ever seen committed to film. Uma Thurman in particular just shines at bad acting as the chemically seductive Poison Ivy. Before she is attacked with her own plant-and-animal based experiments which transform her into a poisonous evil-doer, she was a nerdy dishevelled scientist - just like The Riddler was... they might be the same person now that I think of it - both get transformed into green suit wearing red heads. Anyway! Uma's version of nerdy was just pointing her finger sharply and repeatedly. It was very distracting. Her version of the slinky and dangerous Poison Ivy was wildly inconsistent - she seemed unable or unwilling to hold the same inflection of speech scene by scene. An amateur move by an actress who should've done better.

Those gloves look like green dog boners.

As I noted in my The Dark Knight Rises review, the character of Bane, whom I had never even heard of before, made a great impact on me ("What a lovely, lovely voice") - I had to be warned going into Batman & Robin that this simply wasn't the Bane that I knew and loved. Nothing could have prepared me for what in the blue hell this was:

No.

The worst bit is that apparently Bane is supposed to be one of Batman's more brilliant matches, but instead, there was that guy, doofin' up the joint. 

I think that the Mr. Freeze character, played by the terrifically terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger was probably the most entertaining role to write - almost all of his dialogue is inane one liners all vaguely cold-themed. Someone clearly just wrote down all that they could think of, and used them in the script even when they didn't make any sort of sense to the plot. Or even if they didn't make any sort of sense for anything ever, like "What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!!!" - no, Mr. Freeze, not even true. 

If you had four minutes and you watched that (you should, it's great), you'll see Vivica A. Fox's one and only scene in the whole movie, playing a bimbo who for some reason wants to bone Mr. Freeze. Poison Ivy also wants to bone him. And he has a hot deadish wife. I wonder if that was all part of Schwarzenegger's contract?

For a guy who has a cyro-frozen wife and strong criminal desires, Mr. Freeze is having the time of his life. In spite of his situation (he really loves that wife), he constantly cracks wise throughout the movie, and enjoys a hearty chuckle. In one bizarre scene, he even attempts to lead is chilly minions in a sing along while wearing fuzzy slippers.

Mr. Freeze, by the way, is a doctor. I don't know why he isn't called Dr. Freeze. I feel like they really missed out there. He needs diamonds to stay cold because of this time he fell in a cold pond. Why diamonds, you say? Well diamonds are really cold, didn't you know that? Yeah, way cold, super cold. That's science. 

Wait a second, how are you going to light that cigar?

Obviously he wants to steal some diamond (a cold, cold diamond) and Batman needs to stop him, and Poison Ivy is around using poison-pheromones to convince Batman and Robin that they want to have sex with a woman, and Robin wears some rubber lips, and Batgirl tries to be cute and it doesn't work, and Alfred gets sick and scares me by taking off his glasses, and gets better, and Poison Ivy jealously kills Freeze's deadish wife, and Batman saves the day, and that's the plot of Batman & Robin in no particular order. At the end, Mr. Freeze is allowed to share a cell with Poison Ivy even though that is clearly a disgusting violation of every code of ethics because he is obviously going to destroy her. It's pretty gross.

It's a genuinely terrible film. At one point Batman & Robin surf though the sky on bits of rocket. And for the climax, the team changes into ice themed suits even though they didn't have time for that. And then Robin changes back. At one point Poison Ivy says "Come join me. My garden needs tending" and surely she is talking about her pubes.

It's a nuanced film.

Much like on the DVD of Batman Forever, there is a selection of excellent music videos included with Batman & Robin. The first:

This is R. Kelly with Gotham City. It is painfully clear that R. Kelly has never seen or read or heard of anything Batman related in his entire life. The lyrics indicate the opposite of anything that Gotham City has ever been described as. Also, nice hat. ALSO, I don't recall ever hearing this during the movie.

And the second, exactly as I am showing you here:

Yes, Jewel's Foolish Games. This video and song have even less to do with the movie. I didn't hear it in any scene or at least the first part of the credits. The music video contains no clips from Batman & Robin. She does look a little cold. I think Joel Schumacher just likes this song.

-Marg

@acuteinsomnia