By far John Carter is the worst movie that I've seen over the past few years. I'm hesitant to say that it\'s the worst movie I've ever seen only because I hate Indian in the Cupboard more than words can describe. But it was god awful.
Originally I wanted to see Friends with Kids, but no, I was out voted. Needless to say that between this movie and the last one my friends and I saw, Wanderlust, the next pick is mine.
I don't know what was worse, the script that could have been written by anyone, the TERRIBLE acting or the fact that I paid extra for the nonexistent 3D element.
First, let's have a moment for the script. I'm pretty sure that it was written by a group of 14 year old boys sitting around a table, and they just threw everything and anything into this poor movie that tickled their fancy. The lead actress was dressed like a porno Princess Leia for the hole movie, and I'm pretty sure that I saw part of her vag. The actual dialogue consisted largely of made up words. It was literally like this "ethos helium par- toga be boatum" was it a movie, or one of those Christian revivals where they speak in tongues?
All of the acting was horrible. Taylor Kitsch who played the title character, was supposed to be from Virginia in 1886. One small problem, the guy sounded like a California surfer from the 90's. I'm sure he would have been awesome on that season of Saved by the Bell when Zac and the gang worked at the Malibu Sands Beach Resort. Wait, I think I'm giving this guy too much credit. TERRIBLE!
The only sort of redeeming quality that this movie had was that it was laugh out loud bad. About 20mins in the three of us all looked at each other through our 3D lenses and burst out laughing. When it was over all 40 or so people in the theatre started to laugh and I overheard people say "alright who picked this.", " we could have seen Hugo!" , and my favorite " I'd rather of seen War Horse!"
As my boyfriend said, "I know who is going to be first in the in memorial section of next years Oscars, Disney."
John Carter: .5 Tark ver darks / 5 Tramp Stamps
Despite occasional moments of silliness, the old-fashioned sense of adventure and brilliantly rendered aliens elevate this above other derivative big-budget sci-fi fare. I still wished that Kitsch did a lot better in this lead role but he was only there for eye-candy really. Good review. What also stinks is that this flick probably won’t make back any of its 250 million dollar budget. Give my review a look when you can.
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